Dear Mom
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© 2004 Brian F. Schreurs
Even we have a disclaimer.

No cats were permanently harmed in the making of this essay, but a total of five lives were expended.
Dear Mom,

I'd like to apologize for the dead cat.

I stopped by your house to say hello, but unfortunately I missed you. I decided to get myself a glass of orange juice; when I opened the fridge, I noticed your fridge light was out.

I went to the attic to find a replacement bulb, as there were none in the pantry. While up there, I found a box of old love letters that Dad wrote to you. About halfway through the box I discovered a mouse nest, so I tried to save the letters by chasing the mice away. While in pursuit of the mice, I knocked over Dad's old bowling ball. Fortunately, it got one of the mice when it fell over, but unfortunately it crashed through the ceiling onto the guest bed. Gramma was watching the microwave so she wasn't hurt but her pillow won't ever be the same.

Well the other mouse climbed up a wire out of reach so I gave it a good yank to work it loose, but it seems Uncle Ray didn't do a good job anchoring the TV aerial coz it crashed down the chimney, pulling the wire (and the mouse) out a lil' hole in the roof, poof gone in a puff of mousey brown fur. Be on the lookout for a naked mouse coz I never did catch that one.

It's not fair to say I knocked the aerial down the chimney because in truth it only went halfway.

I got the ladder out and climbed onto the roof to get the aerial out of the chimney, but while I was up there I found Binky, the neighbor's cat, having a go at some birds. I figured he'd want a hand getting down, so I wrapped the pointy end in my shirt and tucked him under my arm. Then I went back to the chimney and rattled the aerial's cord to see if it was loose. It wasn't really, but I scared up a couple of bats, who startled me so bad that I dropped Binky -- straight down the chimney.

I figured Binky probably got caught on the aerial, so I tried pulling on it, but it wouldn't budge, stuck like an umbrella I guess. I went to the garden and retrieved some big rocks to throw down the chimney, so as to bend up the aerial enough to get it free; I was kind of worried about hitting Binky, but I reckoned he'd meow if I got too close. He kept quiet so I sent five or six rocks down the chute, and after that I was able to pull up the aerial. No Binky though.

I put the aerial back where it belonged, but you'll need to buy more duct tape, I used all four rolls.

Then I went looking for Binky. I went to the fireplace and found my shirt there, but not cat. Tracking him was no problem though; the soot shows up real well on the white carpet.

I finally found him under your bed, but I think he must have looked in every room before choosing yours as a hideaway. He was real dirty and not too friendly. I pulled him out by the neck -- I think you can buy stuff to get the blood out of the carpet -- and took at shot at vacuuming him clean. That's when he died of a heart attack.

The neighbors might be mad that their cat is missing a clump of fur where the vacuum got stuck, plus being dead and all, so I was going to bury him and hope they thought he ran off, but the ground's too hard. I put him in your freezer till spring, next to the Easter ham. Be careful when the family comes over, Mom, because with a little freezer frost on Binky it might be hard to tell them apart.


Your Son